Curb

There is something wrong with me. Or else, I suspect I am Larry David's twin but somehow younger sister and we were secretly separated at birth. There is no other explanation. Honestly, I know I talk a lot about age and getting older, but I don't actually think I AM old, I like my age. However, I keep doing and saying things that mortify me but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I'm having an outer body experience and my being has been taken over by my 98 year old dead grandmother, and I'm watching from up above, horrified, as my earthly body conducts itself. Pretty soon I'm gonna be wearing black orthopaedic shoes with my stockings rolled down to the knees and I'm going to want to split a .25 cent cup of coffee, so as not to waste any money on a full cup for myself.

Now, I've meant to write much more frequently than I have been, in fact, I thought I'd be writing daily. However, last week some of my behavior was so LD/grandma - like that I couldn't even bring myself to put it down for posterity without a bit of distance between the offending behavior and actually writing about it. Just some of the things that may qualify me for the assisted living facility way before my time:

• I narrowed my eyes menacingly at a perfectly sweet yet undeniably unprepared classmate when she asked me to borrow a Scantron for our weekly test because I couldn't fathom that she would even think to come to school without the necessary tools, chancing that some kindred soul in class would take pity on her and share, which I did, but not without sending her my best "I'm disgusted with your lack of responsibility" look. I've perfected this one on my kids.
  

• I said out loud "have you heard of soap?" to a student that left the bathroom after rinsing her hands with water but not actually washing them.

• I decided my Hospitality instructor is a crappy instructor and basically told her I do not like nor do I agree with her teaching methods.

• Instead of listening to lecture in Sanitation I spent the entire class fixated on Old Guy, who had a cough and a runny nose and a handkerchief, which he used over and over, much to my chagrin, as I personally am very fond of anti-viral Kleenex.

Moving on, I am not liking school so much. 8 weeks in and I am wondering what I am doing, questioning it, not sure I will stick with it. At 47, I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up, and therein lies my problem. I wonder daily if I should change course from culinary to something else. I'm in an enviable position I know, especially in these times, to be able to focus solely on school and not have to work. Yet, at some point in the future, I do want and will need to to enter the workforce again. Specifically, I would like to start another business. But what? Although I keep myself busy, I'm way too young to hang it all up and I feel I have another chapter at least in me. That said, I don't know, exactly, what to do with myself. Everyone else seems to have a guided path. Me, I'm not sure where the hell I am going.

I have a history of doing pretty well in several different areas. I learn quickly, but never took full advantage of actually learning a profession and sticking with it, something I have always regretted. My experiences have made me well rounded to a point, and have definitely been positive, but you've heard the saying about being a jack of all trades and a master at none, that's kind of how I see myself. I'm ashamed to admit I never finished college, even though my parents were supportive in sending me to three of them. Still, I've been able to do some of the things I thought I would go to college for - I wanted to be an Attorney (never was, did you know you actually DO have to have a degree to pull that one off), I wanted to be a Buyer (and actually I was for a while) I wanted to own a business (and did!). I went to FIDM and did quite well until I got bored with it 36 credits in. I had my retail career at any rate. I ended up getting a job with a company that owned over 2,000 stores nationwide and I worked my way up from Merchandising Supervisor, to Store Manager, to Assistant DM before the owner passed away and his family decided to close all the stores. I had a long stint in outside sales. I learned insurance and sold a Medicare HMO product, I learned to run a one hour photo machine and worked for Kodak's one hour photo division, I learned about counter tops and worked for LG representing their solid surface product to fabricators and home builders. Heck, I even got an aesthetician's license and became a Business Consultant for a huge skin care company. Then, I co-founded and ran a business skirting the entertainment industry. Now, I'm in school, and frankly, I'm not only turning into a curmudgeon (yes, I said curmudgeon and I mean it) but I am lost. And that is why I have not written. Time is coming to sign up for next semester, and I don't know what I want to sign up for. I AM getting more out of the school experience at this stage of my life, and truly care how I perform and what I learn. That is a good thing and makes me feel good about doing it, but I am so damn confused about what to do with myself that I think perhaps I'm taking classes that I will not use in a profession down the road. As my husband says, and I wish I believed 100%, any knowledge I gain is not wasted, even if I don't use it directly.

So, I'm going to write more often no matter what, because I realize my goal is that I WANT to remember what happens to me during this process, so I better write it down. This is not only my accounting of my experience in going back to school and moving on to whatever comes next, but, as I've found out tonight, it's pretty good therapy too. No answers yet, only questions, hope the answer comes soon.